"The March Fly's Bite" - photo: Warren Mars
Anna and I spent a warm afternoon down at the beach where we were beset by a moderate swarm of mildly annoying march flies. These are the infamous biting flies of the family Tabanidae, often known as horse flies. As the day wore on I became better and better at catching and killing these little critters with my bare hands and squashing them. As my thinking became more creative and as I did more relaxed experimentation the death toll grew faster. They are very good at evading the simple slap but are pretty weak against more devious methods.
Anna sung the first line: "I know an old man who catches flies" to the tune of "I know an old lady who swallowed a fly" and I did the rest.
I know an old man who catches flies.
I tell you no lies. He catches flies.
He must be wise.
I've seen him work, down there on the beach,
Where march flies swarm and suck like a leech.
He catches the flies to their surprise.
I tell you no lies. He catches flies.
He must be wise.
This clever old man just uses his hands,
No fly withstands his devious hands.
With devious hands, down there on the beach,
Where march flies swarm and suck like a leech.
He catches the flies to their surprise.
I tell you no lies. He catches flies.
He must be wise.
I tell you: this man, he squashes them flat.
How about that: He squashes them flat!
He squashes them flat with devious hands,
With devious hands, down there on the beach,
Where march flies swarm and suck like a leech.
He catches the flies to their surprise.
I tell you no lies. He catches flies.
He must be wise.
This man can catch them right out of the air.
How unfair: To be snatched in midair!
Out of the air, he squashes them flat,
He squashes them flat with devious hands,
With devious hands, down there on the beach,
Where march flies swarm and suck like a leech.
He catches the flies to their surprise.
I tell you no lies. He catches flies.
He must be wise.
He likes to catch them when they start to bite.
He gets them alright, when they start to bite.
When they start to bite or out of the air,
Out of the air, he squashes them flat,
He squashes them flat with devious hands,
With devious hands, down there on the beach,
Where march flies swarm and suck like a leech.
He catches the flies to their surprise.
I tell you no lies. He catches flies.
He must be wise.
He also works to cut their escape.
They're soon in bad shape, without an escape.
They cannot escape when they start to bite,
When they start to bite or out of the air,
Out of the air, he squashes them flat,
He squashes them flat with devious hands,
With devious hands, down there on the beach,
Where march flies swarm and suck like a leech.
He catches the flies to their surprise.
I tell you no lies. He catches flies.
He must be wise.
I've seen him catch two at a blow on his towel,
They curse and scowl, when caught on his towel.
They're caught on his towel, they cannot escape.
They cannot escape when they start to bite,
When they start to bite or out of the air,
Out of the air, he squashes them flat,
He squashes them flat with devious hands,
With devious hands, down there on the beach,
Where march flies swarm and suck like a leech.
He catches the flies to their surprise.
I tell you no lies. He catches flies.
He must be wise.
He knocked off a score or more in quick time.
Now that must be prime: A score in quick time!
He knocked off a score, they're caught on his towel,
They're caught on his towel, they cannot escape,
They cannot escape when they start to bite,
When they start to bite or out of the air,
Out of the air, he squashes them flat,
He squashes them flat with devious hands,
With devious hands, down there on the beach,
Where march flies swarm and suck like a leech.
He catches the flies to their surprise.
I tell you no lies. He catches flies.
He must be wise.
Warren Mars - January 2012.
Original idea from Anna Deacon.