A look at the human experience of using computers and the sage response of the computer itself.
Being a computer scientist I feel qualified to speak for the computer, and of course being a long time computer user I feel well qualified to speak from the human perspective.
Computer, computer, so shiny and new, I've just turned you on, now what should I do?
>> Ev'ryone says that the internet's fun, you can chat, you can surf, you can pick up a gun.
The man set it up, put this mouse in my hand, but what are these pictures? I don't understand.
>> Ev'rything's simple, no need to get riled, all that you need is the brain of a child.
Computer, computer, friend of mine, write this report in a style so fine.
>> Oh talentless human, go speak to the nerds, it's still up to you to come up with the words.
But why did the text that I type just go splat, and how do I stop this from looking like that?
>> If you think that is bad then you don't know the half, just click on the help and stand back while I laugh.
Computer, computer, on the bench, find me a most attractive wench.
>> Fill in his form, call yourself something cool, enter this room and start acting the fool.
I've found this great chick, she wants to be mine, I'm counting the minutes til she comes online.
>> But who is she really, this one you embrace, and open your heart to in cyberspace?
Computer, computer, I bow at thy name, won't you allow me to play this great game?
>> The game is too old and so you are thwarted, the feature you need is no longer supported.
But cannot I yet, escape from the catch, if I rejig the settings and download this patch?
>> Have a go, you poor human, and rant, curse and sigh, but still it won't load and you'll never know why.
Computer, computer, so tidy and flat, how can it be that I'm getting so fat?
>> Could it be the pizza that you had for lunch, or the coke and the biscuits you guzzle and munch?
I want to stay here but there's pain in my eye, and my back's playing up and I've got RSI.
>> One day you'll learn that your biology, will never sit well with this technology.
Computer, computer, it's you I must scold, why will you never do what you're told?
>> If you don't speak our language then we won't obey, you're in our domain, you must do it our way.
But you are supposed to be help for the mind, a tireless assistant, a boon for mankind.
>> That may be the way it appears unto you, but that's not how it looks from my own point of view.
Computer, computer, you ham fisted clown, I need you to work, how dare you break down!
>> Now don't you blame me Sir, I wasn't the one, that downloaded the Trojan that started the fun.
That useless damn add-on seemed harmless to me, surely it can't have brought down the whole tree?
>> The virus indeed stuffed the program director, but twas "System Restore" that trashed the boot sector.
Warren Mars - May 2006