photo: Bryan H. Smith
This is my compilation version of the mythical "Hedgehog Song" from Terry Pratchett's Discworld books. Many people around the world have written verses to this famous, irreverent and politically incorrect work with varying degrees of skill and humour.
They all have theoretically the same rhythm but the rhyming scheme varies somewhat, as does the rhythm in the hands of the less talented. Almost every imaginable animal makes an appearance somewhere but there is a lack of thematic development and plan that leads to eventual boredom.
I took it upon myself to collate the best of these verses, correct any imperfections, impose a systematic scheme upon them and a thematic development and to make an end before it becomes a bore. The result is 11 verses each of 16 lines in consistent format with the line "the hedgehog can never be buggered at all." used exactly 3 times in the same place each verse. The verses develop the theme in the following way:
I tried to cover the main branches of the animal kingdom and also had a fair go at the various animal locations on the earth, obviously there is room for further verses covering South America and Asia but I think 11 verses of 16 lines is quite enough.
In the course of this endeavour I perforce needed to make many adjustments to the work of others and to insert many lines of my own. Exactly who is responsible for what I am not going to go into. You can pursue that yourself if you go to the various websites that contain other versions (see the links below).
Much thanks must go to those who created verses that I have used. I did attempt to contact them some years ago when I had just finished this and those that responded were happy with the situation so long as I provide credit, and this I am more than happy to do. So thanks first of all to Terry Pratchett whose idea it was, the main three authors that I used: Matthew Crosby, Heather Wood, and Mark Mandel, and anyone else whose work may have found its way into this compilation.
Finally, various people have put this mythical song to music, including myself, see the section following the poem for more information and how to download it.
Old Noah was mucking the Ark out one day,
When he heard a great shriek from the neighbouring stall.
Said he to poor Ham, who was hugging his loins,
"Ah, the hedgehog, my boy, can't be buggered at all."
"The humans are out, if you value your life:
It's incest, my son, since we're relatives all...
Unless you'd make love to your very own wife!
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Bestiality sure is a fun thing to do,
But I have to say this as a warning to you:
With almost all animals, you can have ball,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all."
"The spines on his back are too sharp for a man,
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can.
The result I think you'll find will appall:
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all."
You can sodomise goats, you can bugger a bull,
Or ream out the hole of a deer with your tool,
The ass in its stable, the ox in its stall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The sheep is a classic, as well you may find,
Of the donkey, be wary when standing behind.
You can bugger the cow, (I will not tell you how),
And the boar, the piglet, the shoat and the sow.
If you're feeling quite coarse, you can bugger the horse,
The pony, the mare, and the stallion of course.
You can bugger alpacas when chained to the wall,
But the hedgehog you never can bugger at all.
The spines on his back are so awfully thick,
You'll end up with naught but a pincushion prick.
He has an impregnable hole in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
Mounting a zebra can often be fun,
An elephant too; though it's more than a ton.
For the bush baby's come-to-bed eyes we all fall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
You can bugger a camel with one hump or two,
Or a blue-arsed baboon, or a monkey in lieu.
If you're that kind of fool, and you have a long tool,
You can try a giraffe, if you stand on a stool.
You can hump a zebu if it doesn't hump you,
And a wildebeest's really got something quite gnu.
Or perhaps try a leopard, if you have the gall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Oh it may be a handful and cute as a bun,
You'd think he'd be perfect for sexual fun,
But its hatpin-like pubic hairs prove to us all,
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all,
For sex in the bush you can fuck with a wombat,
Or strive with a 'roo in venereal combat,
Or hump a goanna - go on, do it all.
But echidnas can never be buggered at all.
The wallaby's cute, the koala is cuter,
The possum plays dead when you're trying to root 'er,
The dunnart's receptive if you are in need,
And the quoll is well shaped for accepting your seed.
The platypus flirts in the mud of his pool,
And the bandicoot's passage may welcome your tool.
With the brown potoroo yes, the pleasure may pall,
And echidnas can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are so sharp and so thick,
You'll end up with naught but a perforate prick.
This risk to the penis has led to the call,
That echidnas must never be buggered at all!
You can bugger the gopher, the elk and raccoon,
The polar bear too, by the light of the moon.
When molesting a beaver, stand proud and stand tall,
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
You can bandit a bison or shirt-lift a lemming,
No need for discretion, though folk are condemning.
The coyote is sexy when caught on all fours,
The puma is too, but beware of her claws.
You can bugger the grizzly in spite of its hair,
In winter, when he is asleep in his lair.
(Though I would not advise it in spring or in fall),
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
It's spines are so sharp they are bound to dismember,
Your tool, lest a condom of steel you remember.
So heed ye this warning, from summer to fall,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
You may pounce on your cat as he walks on his lone,
And make him sing out as you give him a bone.
The rat has a hole into which you can crawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
While you top a great dane you may think you look cool,
Though a Jack Russell might make you look like a fool.
The collie is fine if your mind is quite broad,
And the pug has a place you can sheath your pink sword.
A rabbit is fun, if you don't mind the queue,
And a hamster can teach you a hot thing or two.
We've mentioned the horse, as I'm sure you'll recall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are too sharp for a man,
They'll give you a pain in the worst place they can.
The result I think you'll find will appall:
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
You can bugger the seal, you can bugger the eel,
You can bugger the crab, though they say it can't feel.
With 'gator and croc you can have quite a ball,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
You'll find that the turtle hides deep in his shell,
But if he relents then the feeling is swell.
The crayfish is tempting if just for a lark,
And a penguin or two, or a squid in the dark.
You can bugger the dolphin by blowhole or tail,
And likewise the porpoise and also the whale.
You can bugger the shark that you've chased in your yawl,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are so awfully thick,
You'll end up with naught but a pincushion prick.
He has an impregnable hole in a ball,
Hence the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
If birds are a turn-on, you might try your luck,
With a chicken or turkey, a goose or a duck,
Orniphilia's fine but remember withal,
That a hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
You can bugger an owl in the dead of the night,
Or a white cockatoo if you don't mind a fight.
Make free with the pheasant, the partridge and quail,
Though when porking a peacock, first cut off its tail.
You can puncture a pigeon or diddle a dove,
Give the hawk and the eagle and falcon your love.
The charm of the magpie is sure to enthrall,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
Oh it may be a handful and cute as a bun,
You'd think he'd be perfect for sexual fun,
But its hatpin-like pubic hairs prove to us all,
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all,
You can bugger the slug, though it messes the rug,
You can bugger the different species of bug.
If insects are your thing, man then just have a ball!,
But the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
I've tried a stick insect, with some satisfaction,
And a housefly (it's true), though with little reaction,
A mosquito will bite you, a scorpion fight you,
And a fling with a flea won't do much to delight you,
You can try with a snail, if you slow to a crawl,
Or fuck with a moth if your weenie is small.
With a funnel-web spider the fun'll just stall,
And the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
The spines on his back are so sharp and so thick,
You'll end up with naught but a perforate prick.
This risk to the penis has led to the call,
That a hedgehog must never be buggered at all!
Zoophilists all, from the city or plain,
If you take my advice you will save yourself pain.
When the temptation strikes then it's best to recall,
That the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
You can have your own way, with reptiles and birds,
And the joy from young fishes is far beyond words.
To fondle and frolic with mammals is great,
And nothing compares with the invertebrate.
All kinds of beasties with feather or fin,
Will lift up their tails and welcome you in.
You can fuck almost everything under the sun,
But to bugger a hedgehog just cannot be done.
It's spines are so sharp that they're are prone to dismember,
Your tool, lest a condom of steel you remember.
So heed ye this warning, from summer to fall,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
Though they give you the eye and they tip you the wink,
Bringing you to the point where you're just on the brink,
Spurning advances will be your best call,
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all!
The hedgehog escapes the posterior rapes,
Performed upon others of different shapes.
Those who run, swim, or slither, they get it withal,
But the hedgehog just never is buggered at all.
At the end of the day, when you've had your rough way,
With all of those creatures, you'll just have to say:
"That damned Erinaceous has been my downfall!"
For the hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
So here's to the hedgehog, he's sharp as they come,
You'll never get through his impregnable bum,
With his nose up his arsehole and rolled in a ball,
The hedgehog can never be buggered at all.
This version created by Warren Mars, August 2002, from various lines and verses by:
Terry Pratchett
Matthew Crosby
Heather Wood
Mark Mandel
Warren Mars
et al
Various people have set this verse to music, some to existing tunes and others to original tunes. For example Heather Wood pointed out that it can be sung to "Bonnie Dundee" and Mark Mandel has written a simple tune with an extra chorus, the manuscript of which is available on the net.
In late 2005 I found myself inspired to write a tune to this poem. Because I had arranged the verses into sets of four in a regular order, the tune had to be rather longer and more complicated than others had set. On the other hand, I intended it to be sung by ordinary people so it had to be reasonably simple, diatonic, within a suitable compass and in a common key such as G. I saw it sung a cappella by a barbershop quartet so I arranged it as such.
When singing through the complete text shown above, it became immediately clear that it was too long. It would have taken the best part of 20 minutes! So I trimmed away the least essential 5 verses and was left with 6. When I sang through the 6 it became clear that some interlude was needed to break the monotony. I therefore arranged a suitable interlude for 2 guitars, double bass and banjo to go between verses 2 and 3, and 4 and 5.
In early 2006 I recorded it and you can stream it from your favourite service here.
Enjoy!
And here is the simple form of the manuscript: tune, words and chords:
If you want the full score with all the parts, email me.