Who watches the Watchmen? Not me!

A review of "Absolute Watchmen", (full series), by Alan Moore: Author, Dave Gibbons: Artist, and John Higgins: Colourist.

"Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?" This famous Latin phrase from Roman poet Juvenal is often translated as "Who will watch the Watchmen". Well after reading this highly regarded graphic novel; NOT ME! At least, not with any great enthusiasm.

Absolute Watchmen is the full 12 issue limited series released by DC Comics in 1986 and 1987. It is beautifully printed on quality heavy paper with rich colour in folio sized pages. If you're already a fan of the series don't even read this review, (which you won't like), go out and buy the hardcover edition because it really is beautifully presented.

Ok, now that the fanboyz are gone I guess I can continue.

The Watchmen series is a standalone concept invented by Alan Moore with the intention of using up the characters from Charlton Comics that had been acquired by DC. Not a bad idea I would have thought, since those characters were never going to make DC any cash otherwise. The problem for DC however, was that Moore's plan for these characters would largely ruin them for any future crossovers into their customary Charlton Universe: some would be killed off and others would have their characters besmirched. "So what!" I say, but DC thought differently and Moore and his artist Gibbons were thus forced to invent an alternate set of costumed heroes to embody Moore's grand plan.

This is the first of the serious flaws in this critically acclaimed series: The entire concept was built around a pre-existing framework and then that framework was removed. When you remove the entire basis for a book you can't simply replace it with another and hope it will all go swimmingly! The thing to do would have been to start again, FROM SCRATCH, but clearly the vision was largely set in Moore's mind by this time and so new characters had to be shoe-horned into the mould left by the old. This is too much of a constraint on the freedom of each new character to live and develop in their own way and so the characters lack the spark they would otherwise have had. Also, CLASSIC comic book characters, such as Hulk, Wolverine and Batman, are not easily invented, they tend to come one at a time and the dross need to be flushed away periodically. This generally happens over years and is the work of many artists and writers. No matter the genius of a pair of creators, they cannot create an entire milieu such as the X-Men or the Avengers from scratch in the space of 6 months.

The cast of Watchmen are mostly dull and uninspiring, so let's have a look at the main ones:

Rorschach, real name Walter Joseph Kovacs, based on The Question: Attraction to comic characters is highly personal and subjective and I don't know about you, but a Rorschach blot for a face just doesn't do it for me. Neither do pin-striped pants and a trench coat for a costume! Fail! Other than the visuals, this character is one of the more compelling, representing an uncompromising, solitary, inhuman, vicious devotion to removing "bad guys". Sadly though, despite Moore and Gibbons' attempts to fill out his character, he remains wooden and 1 dimensional. Better to have just left him faceless.

The Comedian, real name Edward Blake, based on The Peacemaker, Nick Fury and Wolverine: Yes, another hard drinking, cigar chomping, hairy, muscular, largely amoral, womanising ape. The ideal of the US marine: a social misfit and loose cannon that the US government can unleash on some other poor civilisation to wreak havoc. This manifestation of the inner ape goes through Mr Hyde and all the way to Priapus. He is an ancient archetype and works quite well. He can hardly be considered original though.

Nite Owl 2, real name Daniel Dreiberg, based on The Blue Beetle, Batman and Clark Kent: This is the character that the reader is most intended to identify with. He is thoroughly good but contains just enough weaknesses to make him human. He is middle aged, overweight and has lost the will to fight. It is he that gets the girl and lives happily ever after. Visually this character is ridiculous: a cross between Batman and a Beetle. After the original Nite Owl explains why he didn't use a cape we find his successor wearing one. The cape has no useful function however and is purely there to make him look something like an owl. The night vision goggles, though functional, simply make him look like an insect and really, it is hard to imagine how Moore and Gibbons could have come up with a less visually inspiring central hero. Internally he is extremely bland and I certainly didn't identify with him.

Ozymandius, real name Adrian Veidt, based on Thunderbolt: The perfect human: genius intellect in all spheres, world class athlete, martial arts expert, handsome, learned, self-made, enormously wealthy and powerful. The embodiment of the Aryan ideal and the new Führer. Interesting that Moore should choose to make the perfect human the villain of the piece, but take one look at Moore and you can instantly see that he's a cynical old bastard. It's an interesting idea and in better hands could have really been something, but Moore has no real idea how to turn this into a living character and he remains wooden and unconvincing throughout. Visually he is also somewhat ridiculous, clad in his golden costume. Obviously it's difficult, (perhaps impossible), for a writer to create a character who's intellect and education greatly exceeds his own, and we see that here.

Silk Spectre 2, real name Laurie Juspeczyk, based on Nightshade: A spunky love interest as required! Not a lot of character there and not a lot of costume either, so if you like well drawn, well built, scantily clad young women, (and what male doesn't?), she's your babe.

Doctor Manhattan, real name Jon Osterman, based on Captain Atom: The only character that I found compelling and the one that I most identified with, but perhaps that's just me. He is the only character with GENUINE super hero powers, in fact his powers are GOD-LIKE. To Moore's credit, his internals are also god-like and he is never shoe-horned into a human personality. I read comics to escape the mundane, and this blue skinned demigod is only one that truly escapes.

There are various other minor characters who are run-of-the-mill crime comic fare.

Before I go on to point out further short comings of this series, let me put in a good word for artist Dave Gibbons, and colourist John Higgins. The art work in this book is truly first rate and if you like American comic style then you will find no fault here. Not every one can draw the many faces and body positions of a range of characters so that they are ALL convincing, but Dave Gibbons certainly can. As for John Higgins: The full page, full colour pictures of Mars are truly awesome and really the colouring is superb right through the book. Full credit to the guys! If I were rating this work on art alone I would have easily have given it 5 stars. It is often the case that main reason you read a comic is to see the visual art and that remains the case here.

The second main problem with this work is the way it DRAGS. For most of its almost 400 pages it is little more than a soap opera! If you like soap operas this is fine, but I want a compelling plot and a lot of action! Watchmen does NOT deliver those for most of its time. Quite frankly: I can't be bothered with lengthy and ham-fisted attempts to flesh out the internals of a costumed crime fighter! Just leave it out altogether or cut it back to a minimum, because the characters generally only become more unconvincing and wooden anyway. 80% soap is 80% time wasted! I don't really want to sit through EVERY character's back story. It would be ok if it were done a little at a time and it remained only 10% of the total comic, but surely this must be at least 50%! Too much Alan! Boring!

The third problem is the pirate comic device. No doubt this is supposed to be an inspired piece of devastating irony designed to cast a dark shadow on the nature of man and the futility of trying to solve a problem that doesn't exist... But... IT DOESN'T WORK! "Tales of the Black Freighter"... IT SIMPLY DOESN'T WORK! All it does is confuse the reader and make him long for those panels to come to an end. Why didn't the editor step in at this point and point out the obvious? Even worse is when they combine real world dialogue and Black Freighter graphics in the same panel. It might have seemed like a good idea over a bunch of beers at Gibbons' joint but folks: IT DOESN'T WORK! Capite?

There are numerous other short-comings of the concept and the writing, such as: the 1 dimensional knot-head thugs, the stereotypical film noir newsstand, used as a mundane counterpoint, the highly dubious teleported squid thing that kills millions and prevents WW3, the cheap motivation of the mindless mob that pointlessly kill Night Owl 1, the absurd scenario of Silk Spectre 1 making love to the man who beat her and tried to rape her and then never seeing him again... I could go on and on, but these are relatively minor gripes, they merely indicate that Alan Moore is just another hack comic writer who churns out 1 dimensional, unbelievable and largely boring scenes and characters, relying on a couple of brilliant artists to make his tripe readable.

Watchmen does take you on a journey, but it's hardly gripping and the climax is VERY weak. If you like action hero comic soap operas then this may well be for you, but it sure as hell ain't for me. I give this 3 stars, but only because of the excellent art work, and the fact that although Moore's concept and story is poor, it is no worse than drivel put out by most other comic writers.

I think I'll follow the one interesting character: the naked, blue Doc Manhattan, and depart Alan Moore's Universe. Take me back to Dr Strange and the dread Dormammu!

3/5

Warren Mars - April 13, 2012