I started this catalogue of the actions of Tony Abbott on the 15/9/2015, the day after the night of the long knives, where Malcolm Turnbull finally exacted his revenge on his usurper. It took another month to actually finish the poem, partly because I was busy with other things but also because there was SO DAMN MUCH to write about!!! I have seen a lot of PMs come and go in my life, but no one who DID so much in their time, (except perhaps Whitlam). And all in less than 2 years! A damn shame that all those acts were pernicious! In fact one could see Tony as the mirror image of Gough: One, tall, elegant, articulate, highly intelligent, highly cultured, a visionary, achiever of great things for the people. The other, average height at best, a brawler, muddled, moronic, vulgar, narrow minded, achiever of more cash for the very rich.
In researching this poem it became clear to me that his career was defined and determined by three main things:
In my assessment Tony Abbott was a fool: He constantly put his foot in his mouth, more so that any other Australian political leader in memory. His actions were arrogant, senseless and vandalistic. His chosen ministers were in many cases equally stupid, arrogant and destructive. I'm talking about Joe Hockey, Josh Frydenberg, George Brandis, Christopher Pyne, Peter Dutton, Bronwyn Bishop and Eric Abetz. Was he as dumb as GW Bush? Well that's a big call! but maybe... maybe...
Anthony Abbott, the drongo and brute,
Was born in far London, so small and so cute,
The son of a dentist and Geordie1 to boot,
Emigrating when he was just two.
As a boy he went to a Catholic school2,
"Give me a child til seven"3, the rule.
For the rest of his life: a Jesuit tool,
His mind full of wrong-headed crap.
He took degrees in economics and law
From Sydney Uni and then, what's more:
They sent him to Oxford: a Rhodes Scholar bore,
Where he took another in Arts4.
Now it takes you three years for just one degree,
With three you would think he'd be smart as can be.
But tell me good people: How can this be,
When his brain is the size of an acorn?
At Uni the lefties beat him for his views5,
So he boxed while at Oxford, and won him two Blues,
He could take a few blows and hand out a bruise:
The pugilist mindset for life.
Back home he entered the seminary scrum6,
"A man for others"7, was what he'd become,
But the life of a priest just made him feel numb,
And within 3 years he had quit8.
He worked as a journo9 and then had a crack
As press sec for Hewson and helped with "Fightback!".
Howard liked him for his monarchist track10,
And gave him Warringah11 so easy.
He was given Employment in late ninety eight12,
With Howard his friend his prospects were great,
"Work for the dole" was his to dictate,
And he voted against a republic13.
He moved on to Health in two thousand and three,
Where abortion drugs he refused to agree14,
But the parliament cut him off at the knee,
Though he'd toed the line as a Catholic15.
He was leader of Libs in two thousand and nine,
After Turnbull put his job on the line16,
His mates were against taxing carbon, the swine,
And Abbott won by a vote17.
In opposition he then went to town,
First Rudd, then Gillard, he crudely howled down,
Some thought him a bully and others a clown,
But Libs were soon up in the polls.
Two thousand and ten, the election's a draw18,
To govern, just knock on the crossbenchers door19.
But to deal with these men, just stuck in his craw,
It was all or nothing for Tony20.
The resentful Abbott was an arsehole indeed21,
A mandate for Gillard he wouldn't concede,
And opposed her sans merci22 whatever the need,
And won her misogynist tag23.
He finally won in two thousand thirteen24,
The nastiest leader that ever had been.
He took politics down to depths never seen25.
I couldn't believe voters bought it.
He won on three slogans as you may recall:
We'll stop the boats. No worries at all.
No mining taxes, the rich they appal,
And "Repeal the Carbon Tax!"
Now this is Australia, a first world country,
We're well educated, I think we'd agree.
But how he got in is a myst'ry to me,
It doesn't say much for the public.
He started, did Tony, as true as his word.
He turned back the boats26, all protests unheard,
Asylum seekers offshore were interred27,
And atrocities simply ignored28.
Properly reporting the issue was banned29,
Resettling in third world nations was planned30,
But Manus Island soon got out of hand,31
And the same can be said of Nauru.32
If there's one single cause that defines this rough chap,
'Twas his red-neck stance with a coal miner's cap.
He said: "[Climate change] is absolute crap".33
I'm no scientist, but I know it.34
He said: "Coal is good for humanity",35
Palmer's allegiance will not come for free,36
Let's start a huge coal mine in far Galilee,37
And the largest coal port in the world.38
He abolished the Climate Commission and hark,39
Allowed cattle grazing in National Park,40
Abandoned emission reduction benchmark,41
And waved off the Murray and Darling.42
He laughed at the islands that soon would be gone,43
Investment in solar and wind was a con,44
And so many more but we have to move on,45
The guy was a planet'ry vandal.
To the big end of town he sucked without hitch,
Expensive maternal leave for the rich,46
A billion in rebates for Reinhart, the bitch,47
Let China dictate what we do.48
The Coalition then sure knew how to rort:
Brandis and Joyce and Abbott were caught49,
And the Pyne's trip to Europe was surely great sport50,
But Bronwyn Bishop went too far51.
A fast internet was a need that was plain,
And a fibre rollout to the home set in train52,
Til Abbott, the Luddite, cleft it in twain53,
And sent us all to the back.54
As a PM he ruled like spoilt fat brat,
Handing out "Captain's calls" at the drop of a hat.55
His speaker a blatantly partisan rat56,
And Credlin, the enforcer from hell.57
Marriage for homos, he would not allow.58
The ACT forced to disavow.59
A free conscience vote did he disallow,60
Though his own party thought it was fine.
Big Brother did Tony more power assign,
All comms metadata would be stored online61,
Freedom of Info did further decline62,
Let ASIO do what it likes63.
Abbott was a Pom and a monarchist too.
He thought Knights and Dames was the right thing to do64.
Dual citizenship for a pollie was taboo65,
But nobody took him to task.
He cut foreign aid by 8 billion bucks,
Could have shirt-fronted Putin but just said "Aw shucks"66.
Spied on SBY's phones in a scandal deluxe67.
And annulled citizens on a whim68.
He tried on a seven buck GP co-hit69,
Cut hospital funding by more than a bit70,
A six percent private health rise did permit,
But stem cell research he forbade71.
He watched the death of our car industry72,
Allow'd four five seven visas without scrutiny73,
Gave foreign car leasers a huge subsidy74,
And scrapped business enterprise grants75.
He gave sixteen thousand workers the sack76,
Wages and conditions, he tried to wind back77,
Industry Super Funds under attack78,
And cut backs at ASIC as well79.
Remember when Hockey, the arrogant blob,
Told downcast home buyers to "Get a good job"80.
And poor people "don't have cars", said the slob81,
While buying his wife's house with a rort82.
On those who help homeless deep cuts took their toll83.
You'll wait til you're seventy if pension's your goal84.
Tried to force a six month wait for the dole85.
And Green Corps to work for half pay86.
He scrapped a billion in tuition subsidies87,
Tried abolishing caps on university fees88,
Banned secular workers from school chaplaincies89,
And killed off poor Gonski entire90.
Abbott promised Aborigines he take up their cases,
And indeed he spent time in their remote places91,
But abolished their Congress which hurt his good graces92,
And the Referendum preamble a flop93.
To the public broadcasters he made some big cuts94,
He put in his mole95 and cut off their nuts,
The Australia Council he stabbed in the guts96,
And the Australia Network was scrapped97.
As "Minister for Women"98 Abbott did shine,
He winked when a sex worker came on the line99,
Only one woman in cabinet was fine100,
And wanted back "At fault" divorce101.
He sacked twenty percent of the CSIRO102,
His promise for freedom of speech he let go103,
To pokie reform he dealt a great blow104,
Let burqas in parliament house105.
After all of this Tony had lost his appeal.
Most of the country saw him as a heel106.
And lazy Bill Shorten viewed him as ideal.
"Just sit back guys and we'll win!"
Meanwhile Malcolm Turnbull was waiting his chance,
Counting the numbers, whetting his lance,
And when it was time he took up his stance,
And challenged the boss to a vote107.
He said Abbott knew nothing of the Economic art108,
And the Libs need a leader they think of as smart109.
The only way forward is to make a fresh start,
On September fourteen it was done110.
In less than two years Tony lost to revolt.
The shortest term PM since Harold Holt.
Notwithstanding the friendship of young Andrew Bolt,
He was beaten and out of the game.
So here was an pollie who knew how to fight.
He was stupid and wrong but he followed his light.
He stood up and acted for what he thought right,
But sadly for Tony, it wasn't.
And this is his record on which he must stand,
There's NOTHING there that would help our great land,
Except FTA, til it gets out of hand,
But that would have come anyway.
And so we come to the end of the thread.
"The WORST Prime Minister ever!" I said.
He had a good heart but was fucked in the head.
May the suppository of all wisdom111 insert.
Warren Mars - October 2015
Thanks to Sally McManus for maintaining a complete list of Abbott's activities from which much of this was drawn. Also thanks to the Sydney Morning Herald, the Guardian and the ABC for keeping their past news articles available for the general public and Wikipedia for it's great array of generally authoritative articles.