Absolute Turkey!

A review of "The Seven-Per-Cent Solution" directed by Herbert Ross

If you need proof that reviewers should NEVER be listened to then this is it! If you believe the reviews on IMDB where it rated a 6.8 you will think that this is a quality movie, offering an out-of-canon Sherlock Holmes story, completely in-keeping with the original, affording new insight into the psychology of the famous detective, which is beautifully acted, directed and scripted by some of the brightest names in show business. A film that all Holmes fans MUST add to their collection... Well, let me tell you: It isn't!

This film is an ABSOLUTE TURKEY! One of the worst professionally made films of all time! There is nothing good about it whatsoever. The only people putting in a acceptable performance are the camera crew, the wardrobe department and possibly the caterers.

Shall we start with the actors? Robert Duvall as Dr Watson in the worst performance of his stellar career, stumbling through the most execrable attempt at an upper-class English accent you could ever wish to hear. It is a bizarre amalgam of English South African and various flavours of plum; incredibly bad and completely inappropriate, even if he had been able to pull it off. What deluded half-wit made that casting decision? Then we have the semi-famous Nicol Williamson, who's novel take on Merlin in "Excalibur" made that film a success and regarded by various critics as "the greatest actor since Marlon Brando" and "the Hamlet of his generation"... Well not on this performance, where he struggles to exceed the skills of Kenneth Williams. His reading of Sherlock Holmes as a highly emotional, self-doubting, sweating, frenzied, feckless, fearful creature, is, as anybody who has read any of Conan Doyle's books knows, the EXACT OPPOSITE of the proper character! As for Alan Arkin's portrayal of Sigmund Freud: He is unexpectedly young and handsome, exhibiting a weird mid-atlantic Jewish accent with occasionally a hint of the Teutonic. The real Herr Freud would have had a strong Viennese accent. He also turns out to be a very caring doctor and an implausibly brilliant detective. Nein! Nein! Nein!

Then there is the story: "The Seven-Per-Cent Solution: Being a Reprint from the Reminiscences of John H. Watson, M.D." [sic] is a 1974 novel by American writer Nicholas Meyer. The fact that it ranked ninth in the Publishers Weekly list of best selling novels for 1974 simply indicates that the general public are idiots with no taste or discernment whatsoever. Taking such a feculent load of tripe and turning it into a major film is nothing more than the glorification of stupidity. Honestly: Sherlock Holmes meets Sigmund Freud? Farcical! Moriarty turns out not to be the "Napoleon of Crime" but merely the delusion of a drug adled genius? Impossible! Sherlock Holmes' father shot his mother? Insulting! Sherlock Holmes, the great exemplar of self discipline and abnegation, can't even master his cocaine addiction? Absurd! The great confrontation with Professor Moriarty at the Reichenbach Falls was just made up by Dr Watson? Unacceptable! And to cap it all off we have the great detective fighting a duel with sabres against a stereotypical German villain atop a speeding railway carriage? Spare us all!

If you need yet another example of why Americans should NEVER be allowed to touch British classics "Look nae further!" You can add this to the multiple, disgusting, retarded, uncomprehending, disrespectful abortions they have made of Winnie The Pooh, Alice In Wonderland, Peter Pan etc. If you don't understand something, LEAVE IT THE FUCK ALONE! He that hath ears, let him hear.

The Americans have been making a mess of the quintessentially Victorian character of Sherlock Holmes since they first discovered him. They have never understood that combination of the reserved, cultured, polite exterior, with the intellectual brilliance, courage, self-discipline and steel on the interior. The charm is that it is not all on display at all times, as the simple minded American audiences seem to want. The unwatchable mess they made in 2009 starring Robert Downey is as bad as this turkey and demonstrates that they will NEVER understand the Brits, especially the Brits of the Victorian era.

Even in 1900 when the Americans were less conceited and more respectful of their British cousins they still made a mess of their early films of Sherlock Holmes despite the excellent performance of Basil Rathbone. Sadly they misread the character of Dr Watson and Nigel Bruce played him as a bumbling fool. The titles alone give you all the clues you need as the American film maker's psychology: "Sherlock Holmes and the Secret Weapon", "Sherlock Holmes Faces Death", "The Spider Woman" etc. For some reason they just can't get their simple minds away from sensationalism. Subtlety is something that they just don't get!

Sadly the Brits are making their own mess of their luminous hero: Witness the ruin wrought by that disgraceful vandal Steven Moffat from 2010 with Benedict Cumberbatch in the title role. Too sad for words...

So let me recap briefly: Audiences (especially American audiences), are stupid and most critics have no taste or discernment. Notwithstanding glowing reviews, positive ratings and bestseller lists: This movie is an absolute turkey! If you love the original character of Sherlock Holmes as created by Arthur Conan Doyle and incomparably illustrated by Sidney Paget then DO NOT watch this! Go and watch the excellent 1984 series with Jeremy Brett.

score 2/10

Warren Mars - December 19, 2018